Waiting patiently for the full-length feature to arrive.

http://thepornoreporter.com/video/BWA15.mov

Not that any of this should be a fucking surprise. Still, I don’t think porno is really to blame for our fucked-up economy.

Pretty soon the ocean will be full of these and then it’s only a matter of time before they grow legs and lungs and TAKE OVER THE FUCKING EARTH!

Not sure I have the words, but there are lots of boobs in the trailer so I’m going to have to see this eventually. Wow.

Forgive me, but I felt the need to seriously toot my own horn.

Tonight I reluctantly accompanied my wife to something called a “jewelry party”. Think Tupperware Party but with necklaces and rings and bracelets and shit. Anyway, I went because my beloved wanted me to. Plain and simple. I thought I’d be bored as fuck but at least I’d be there with her and the kids. I also wanted to check out the new LED TV the host of the party had purchased. All in all I actually had a good time. But it was what I did at the end of the party that made my night and made me even more awesome than I already am.

The host of the party was a very nice lady my wife works with and she invited friends and coworkers. And those invited could bring friends so it came as no surprise that “N” was there. Roommate of “S”. 5′-5″. Brunette. Made of breasts. Attractive. Spacey. Christian. I first met her one night at Fogo De Chao (fuck that place) in Baltimore where I learned she really loved women but that God didn’t approve of such things. (Right. I think I’ve just said all I need to).

So tonight I walk in and “N” is sitting on a couch and bombarding the poor girl presenting her jewelry with question after question after fucking question. My brain was screaming for mercy after about 36 seconds of this so I retreated downstairs to watch Cartoon Network with my kids. I didn’t return upstairs until my wife came to fetch me. When I came upstairs “N” was still sitting in the same spot on the couch. I plopped down next to her and asked if she had stopped her prattling. She didn’t understand my question and instead asked where I had disappeared to. I ignored her. I then noticed her iPhone sitting on the couch between us.

“You’re phone?”, I asked.

“Uh, huh.” she responded.

“Cool. I’m going to be nosy now.” I said, and with that started rooting through her apps. She didn’t seem to mind. Heck, she even asked me to open her calculator app so that I could help tally her jewelry order. She had Facebook. She had a Suicide Girls “Strip Flip”.

And then I hit “Photos”.

Photos of her kid. Photos of her and her friends having fun. Photos of her topless. Photos of her kid in a firetruck. Photos of…um…what? I froze. I turned to look at her. She was hard at work looking at the jewelry catalogue. I looked back at the photo. My heart was racing. What the fuck do I do?!?

I calmly look down at my phone. Ringer off? Check. I look back to the photo. I look back at her. Still engrossed in jewelry catalogue? Check. I push the MMS button. I quickly enter my phone number. I press “send”. I quickly close her photos. I go into her texts and I delete the entry that says she sent something to my phone. I turn her phone off. I put it back down next to her. I thank her for letting me be nosy.

I leave the party fifteen minutes later. Mission accomplished.

My favorite band lives there. It’s further north so I’m assuming their summers aren’t like the surface of Mercury. Oh, and the world’s largest population of bisexual women live there. Awesome. Sold. Where the fuck is my passport?

I’m don’t consider myself a music critic. I just like what I like and I don’t make apologies for my taste (or lack thereof). So here they are. In no particular order. Apologies to those that didn’t make the list.

Mastodon – ‘Crack The Skye’
Truth be told, I really didn’t care for this disc the first time I heard to it. I think I only listened to it twice and then never played it again. “How dare they embark on making a “classic” rock record with that Bruce Springsteen producer guy! Fucking pussies! Bring me more ‘March Of The Fire Ants’! Bring me more ‘Blood And Thunder’!”, I screamed.

Weeks go by and I end up going to the 9:30 Club to see Mastodon with my brother Chris (he wasn’t fond of the new record either). We think they’ll play a good mix of everything and just ignore the few songs from the newest release. WRONG! What do they do? They start the show by playing the entire fucking new crappy record from start to finish complete with a little film playing in the background. Like they were playing it just to spite me.

Weeks and weeks go by. I keep reading rave reviews about the CD. I start to think everyone has gone insane. So I pop in my earbuds at work and start listening again. I haven’t been able to stop playing it since. It really is their best album to date. Hard. Heavy. Made with love. The latter isn’t very “metal” but it’s so true. Go listen to it and you’ll see what I mean.

Baroness – ‘The Blue Record’
I was first exposed to Baroness when they opened for Opeth at Ram’s Head Live in October of 2008. I only caught the last few songs but I remember being very impressed with their sound. Sabbathy. Proggy. Punky. Southern. Tons better than the second opening act High On Fire who seemed to be playing the same song over and over and over again. Their shirtless and greasy lead singer/guitarist sweating on everything and continually screaming “Come on! This is a rock show!” Pure torture. It got so bad that several members of the audience started screaming back “Bring back the first band!”

To be honest I have no recollection as to how I came across The Blue Record. Perhaps it was a blurb from the fine folks over at Blurt (rock on Scott Crawford!). Perhaps I just came across it in between surfing pron sites. It doesn’t matter. The record rocks. Hard. I’m glad it found me.

Chris Cornell – ‘Scream’
A pure guilty pleasure. Chris Cornell? Lead singer of Soundgarden? Teams up with Timbaland to make an R&B/Dance record? Are you fucking kidding me?!? Despite it’s absurdity (if it’s that at all), the album is delicious. Within the first two minutes we gotz mad beetz and Chris starts singin’ ‘bout sum bitches n hos. Ok. Maybe not hos. But definitely bitches. I’m not sure it’s an endorsement that my 8, 7, and 4 year-old daughters like the record, but it sure is hilarious to hear them sing along: “That bitch ain’t a part of me, no that bitch ain’t a part of me.” (I know. Father Of The Year Award).

Disagree with me if you wish (You’re wrong. I’m right), Chris Cornell is the best vocalist in rock (and R&B?) and this record just shows how versatile and talented the guy is.

I can’t wait for the Soundgarden reunion. I think…

Dethklok – ‘Dethalbum II’
I think it’s hilarious that the best death metal album of the year is actually a parody of the genre itself. Dethklok isn’t even a real band. They’re the fictional band in the cartoon ‘Metalocalypse’. Bigger than the Beatles, Elvis, The Rolling Stones, and Michael Jackson are/were all put together and sporting an incredible fanbase. The entire planet’s survival dependant on the band’s success. A casual metal fan might not get the joke, but to those of us that get it, it makes it even better. Most of the song titles don’t even seem out of place. ‘Laser Cannon Death Sentence’ and ‘The Cyborg Slayers’ totally sound like they could show up on a “real” death metal record. In fact, I think the only song title (and song itself) that really stands out as an actual parody is ‘Mermaider II: The Water God’, because—well, come on.

Each song is an epic, rifftastic onslaught of brutal goodness. Brendon Small is the genius behind it (he plays all the instruments and sings) and the amazing Gene Hoglan (Dark Angel, Strapping Young Lad) is the guy playing drums.

Katatonia – ‘Night Is The New Day’
A good few months before this album was released I was able to legally download the opening track to this record. Having been blown away by this group’s previous release, ‘The Great Cold Distance’, I had high expectations. But this first track—‘Forsaker’—wasn’t blowing me out of the water. It felt a little luke warm. Almost like an afterthought from the last record. I found myself totally indifferent to it and as a result, I forgot the release date and that was that.

Some time later Peaceville Records sent me an email promoting it as well as including much hype from around the metal ‘net so I took a chance. I’m so glad I did. As soon as ‘The Longest Year’ (click to see the video) started playing I was hooked. I can’t stop playing the fucking thing. It’s so moody and beautiful and romantic and emotive. Such a wonderful suite of songs from my other favorite Swedish metal band.

Which brings me to my favorite Swedish metal band (and maybe my favorite band in general). If you haven’t heard Opeth’s ‘The Throat Of Winter’, go download it now. It’s on the ‘God Of War III’ EP and it’s the best track on the disc. The next full-length Opeth record can’t get here fast enough.

WTF? I got stuffed in lockers, spit on, and tripped in the hallway repeatedly. I couldn’t even bring myself to talk to a girl. Didn’t even kiss one until I was 16. This 14 year-old kid got to repeatedly bang his hot teacher. Further proof there is no God.

Parents are quoted as saying as they are “unhappy about the behavior”. I say they should be feeding that boy some steaks. Lucky bastard.

Click here to see the whole trailer. It’s ok. But not as good as this:

I heart Olivia Wilde. Much better than Megan Fox. And you can quote me on that.

Saw this years ago and it really struck a chord with me. So I’m passing it along now so that someone else might get something out of it (even if it is a little “new-agey’). Very interesting, funny, and thought provoking.

Jill Bolte Taylor woke up one day in the middle of having a stroke. A blood vessel had burst in the left hemisphere of her brain causing her to experience a peaceful, nirvana-like state where she was one with the universe. But what makes her story truly unique is that she’s a nueroanatomist. Above is a presentation about this experience and how it affected and continues to affect her life. It gave her a spectacular insight into how the human brain works. For those interested, she’s also written a book which you can find here.