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Christina and IREADING:
 American Gods: Author's Preferred Text by Neil Gaiman WATCHING:
 'Heroes' Season One  'House, M.D.' Season Three Archived Old Nuggets
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Tuesday, October 28, 2003
‘Eddie’s Wedding and the Starship Enchilada’ Chapter Two The ceremony was a complete blur. He struggled against the forces of absolute panic for control of all his bodily functions in an effort to make his outward appearance seem normal. The alternative was screaming uncontrollably like a scared 26 year-old man who’s just seen his grandmother in full frontal nude mode. Still, he remained focused. The cheeseburger sitting like a lump in his flipping stomach. He didn’t remember the wedding vows, nor did he remember saying I do, but he did remember vomiting when he saw Alien Valerie’s head split in half, very fast, like a bug flitting it wings. “She’s turned into a fucking praying mantis” he thought to himself, as she licked her lips at the sight of Eddie’s newly regurgitated lunch. But his logic snapped in “Fuck that.” He thought. “That’s impossible. Clearly this is a crude copy of Valerie. Somewhat, but not AS impressive as the Ilea Probe from ‘Star Trek: The Motion Picture’.” Dammit, he was brilliant. The other troubling thing (like it wasn’t troubling enough that he was marrying a space alien) was that no one else seemed to notice that his bride wasn’t who she was. Not even her own parents. Not even her twin sister, who just sat there, staring at him, making him feel more and more uncomfortable. Maybe Mallory was a space alien, too, but he doubted it. They were well into the reception and until now he had only heard space alien Valerie say “I do”, but just then she appeared in front of him. “It is time for our first dance.” She said. “Uh.” Said Eddie, about to cry and sweating profusely. “We will dance and then we shall go back to the room and you will service me.” Was the last thing Eddie heard before he passed out. Monday, October 27, 2003
'Eddie's Wedding and the Starship Enchilada' Chapter One He thought he was such hot shit. He and his tuxedo. Navigating through the grillions of corridors the cruise ship was made of like he knew exactly where he was going. He sort of knew where he was going. Sort of. The fact that he was getting married in a little less than 10 minutes made him reevaluate every single step he made and that "hot shit" feeling left him as quickly as a pent up fart escaping a sleepy anus. He kept asking himself the same questions: Where the fuck was he? Where was he supposed to be? Where could he get a nice hamburger to curb his shrew-like hunger? His stomach growled at the though of juicy, cooked cow and soon thought that maybe eating took priority over getting hitched. But that was just crazy thinking. He could always eat. He knew that it wasn't every day a man got to marry the girl of his dreams, and the girl of his dreams was Valerie. He loved the cheeseburger from the moment...shit... He was really hungry. He checked his right pants pocket. It jingled with change and held 8 single dollar bills. Enough for a large cheeseburger with bacon and tons of fixins. First things first. Only the power of food could take Eddie Jeffrey's mind away from his woman. He took the nearest elevator to the main deck and found a directory. 60 seconds later he was getting a burger at the cafeteria and asking directions to the chapel. Burger in tow, he rushed down to a lower deck and pushed open the chapel doors. He entered, eating his burger with both hands, and was smacked like a bitch by his mother. "Eddie Edward Stephens Newman Cromwell Jeffrey! How dare you eat in the chapel!" screamed his mother. "Yeah!" said Eddie's dad. "Ow!" shouted Eddie as he swallowed the burger whole. "I needed something in my stomach! It was grumbling!" "I'll give you something to grumble about!" shouted Eddie's mother. "Yeah!" said Eddie's dad. Eddie scouled at them. Mortified. He sucked his teeth. Mustard. He looked across the room and saw Valerie's parents, beaming. Valerie's twin sister, Mallorie, was there as well and kept doing what she did best: stare at him. A stare that was playful and hinted that she knew more than he did. It was also very creepy. Finishing off the group was Valerie's brother, Thor, nose in his Gameboy. "Eddie Edward Stephens Newman Cromwell Jeffrey!" shouted Eddie's mother again. "Get in position!" "Yeah!" said Eddie's dad. And there she was. Through the door came Valerie, fully gowned, glowing like a hundred Yankee Candles. Eddie froze in fear as Valerie walked toward him. Not because he was about to get hitched, but because Valerie wasn't really Valerie at all. This Valerie was a space alien. Wednesday, October 22, 2003
I always knew Princess Leia was a sexual deviant. Thursday, October 16, 2003
If a woman can do this, does it mean that she's a lesbian or bisexual? It's been bugging me, but in a GOOD way of course. Tuesday, October 14, 2003
Super HOTTIE... Fuck that. ULTRA hottie. Check her out, here. 
Monday, October 13, 2003
So Saturday (10/11/2003) ruled. It rocked the house. Slept until 1:30PM. Sat around the house for a bit. Watched TV. Spent time with the kiddos and wifey-poo. Oh yeah. Decided to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary together. So Christina and I went to dinner at this romantic little sports bar in GB called 'Glory Days Grill'. and then finished the evening with some very romantic entertainment at 'McDoogals'. Damn. I go all out for my wife, don't I? Truth be told it was HER IDEA. And I am ultra glad we went because we had by far the best time we have ever had there. The dancers were great and so was the crowd. And wow, was my wife popular with the ladies! Not only were gorgeous breasts rubbed in her face all night with one dancer getting so bold as to kiss up and down my wife's neck, but another dancer went so far as to unzip my wife's jeans, stick a one dollar bill down there and then kiss all around her lower stomach before retrieving the bill. Not to mention the fact that most of them felt her up a little. UNREAL! I was a bit popular as well. But with the surrounding horny men who proclaimed: "You a pimp! I gotz ta give ya props!" and then bumped fists (God I'm so white). One guy started shouting "You wrote the book! I wanna read it! Where can I read it!?" and then gave me a dollar bill to use. But you could tell, after seeing girl after girl getting really suggestive with my wife, that the men were living vicariously through me...and I was happy to share. Christina and I also spent time rating each dancer and shared our favorites. Still, the highlight of our night at 'McDoogals' was meeting a dancer named Maria who actually sat down with us, didn't hustle us, and talked with us about whatever we were talking about. We asked her all about her job and how she started doing it and discovered that she was a pretty down to earth gal. And naturally beautiful (we gave her an absolute 9). Never propositioned, my wife asked Maria for a lapdance, which turned into two, and we called it a night. Although I did beg my wife over and over again to ask if we could take Maria home with us. Sadly it was not to be. *Take note all! This is good relationship stuff! Who says you can't go with your woman to a strip joint? Ask her to go! She might surprise you! Oh yeah, and Happy Early Anniversary, My Love. 4 years and counting..... To everyone else: GO TO 'McDOOGALS'! So yeah. 
'Kill Bill: Volume 1' was amazing. So good I can't even blog about it. Make sure you check this one out as soon as possible. |
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