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Thursday, December 11, 2003
'Eddie's Wedding and the Starship Enchilada' Chapter Four When it was all over, Eddie began to panic. He lay there, naked. Naked space alien Valerie laying beside him, boobs growing and shrinking, and cooing happily. What had he done? He ended up marrying his true love’s alien clone. Sure, she looked, smelled, and was as smart as Valerie, but Valerie’s cup size stayed at an even 34B. No inflating or deflating. There was also the fact that alien Valerie severed her own foot with eye laser-beams in order to feed him. And yes, it tasted good, dammit. Eddie started to feel like the worst kind of human being,. Here he was, having sex with an alien while the real Valerie was missing or probably dead. Waitaminnit. He smacked his forehead as hard as he could. How could he not have asked the most important question? “Uh…” he began. “….do you know where the real Valerie is?” Alien Valerie started to cry. “Fucking jerk!” she screamed. “We just made love and it was amazing! And the first thing out of your mouth afterwards is about her?” Damn. She had a point. It was pretty damn insensitive of him right after relations. “I’m sorry. “ He said. “Look, I don’t know how else to ask it. I had a great time just now and I’m feeling a lot more comfortable with the fact that you’re an alien. But I’m in love with Valerie. I can’t just turn those feelings off.” Alien Valerie continued crying, sobbing almost. “Come on. Please stop crying. Let’s talk about this. Please?” “Fuck you!” She shouted. “Fuck you and your lame-ass human excuses! I have feelings you pink monkey looking thing! Fuck you!” Eddie panicked more. She was getting very agitated. So agitated that her eyes began glowing red, like ultra-hot pokers. “Please. Calm down.” Eddie pleaded. She shot him a death glare and began shaking at the sight of him. “I’ll teach you to play with my feelings, you bastard!” And with that, she aimed her eyes at Eddie and prepared to shoot him with her laser-beams. “NOOOOOOOOOOO!” Screamed Eddie. And just then the cabin door burst open with a loud “CRACK!”, and standing in the doorframe was Mallorie. “Hey!” Mallorie screamed, “You better not laser-beam my sort-of brother-in-law you little alien wh-…..”. She suddenly broke off, staring at naked space Alien Valerie. “Uh…um….wow.” she said. Eddie watched in fear and awe. Mallorie seemed mesmerized at the site of her cloned sister, and naked space Alien Valerie was sending out all the right signals. “Mallorie?” asked naked space Alien Valerie, “Would you like to come join me on the bed?” Eddie wasn’t prepared for what happened next. He heard Mallorie say “Uh huh.” Two hours later Eddie looked like he had just visited the loony bin. He hadn’t blinked for last hour and he was pretty sure his heart had stopped twenty minutes ago. Part of him still refused to believe it happened. I mean, try to imagine your fiancé having sex with another woman who happens to look exactly like your fiancé. Eddie had tried to interject when it started happening, but the ladies simply told him to “chill out for a while”. Kissing and slurping noises, followed by relaxed moans echoed throughout the cabin. And at once there was silence and Eddie realized they were both staring at him. Eddie froze. He was seeing double and his brain hurt. Mallorie began to speak. “Wanna join us?” she asked. “But what about Va-“ he stopped himself. This was another one of those inappropriate times to ask. “Can I be the egg salad in the egg salad sandwich?” he begged. [Insert yet another porn style sex scene right here]. |
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