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Christina and IREADING:
 American Gods: Author's Preferred Text by Neil Gaiman WATCHING:
 'Heroes' Season One  'House, M.D.' Season Three Archived Old Nuggets
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Friday, October 29, 2004
Squirting 101 Thanks to Bush DVD (AKA Netflix for Porno), I get to watch tons of stuff I'd never get the chance to see. Bisexual (hey!--I can be curious, right!?), orgies, lactation (oh yeah), midgets (not kidding), gang bangs, the works! I love it. I love the variety. Thousands of depraved and awesome films at my fingertips. I'm even able to check out lots of old 70's stuff (the best ever if you don't mind all of the unkempt bush). Shit, I've rented 'Taboo' and 'Taboo 2' (both starring Kay Parker), 'A Girl's Best Friend', 'Barbara Broadcast' (which features a sex restaurant where the waiters ejaculate onto your salad), 'Virginia' (featuring Shauna Grant), and countless others. Pure heaven. Great spank material. Yes. GREAT SPANK MATERIAL. That's really all porno is good for. Show me a guy that doesn't beat off while watching/reading pornography and I'll show you my certificate of ownership of the Brooklyn Bridge. It's impossible not to get riled up while watching complete strangers involved in hot sex acts. And for those of us that watch pornos with our significant others--no matter how you slice it--it's still masterbation material. But it IS healthy either way. Wifey and I watch porno together all the time. Most of the time DURING sex. Although there have been times where we've watched the whole film without touching each other. One in particular ('Dangerous Desire' starring Tracy Adams) had an interesting premise where the main couple of the story would watch each other with other partners from behind a two-way mirror. Hot stuff. But I digress... I've always been on the lookout for new and exciting things to do in the bedroom, so naturally I became intrigued when I first heard about the Female Ejaculation phenomenon. I spent HOURS researching this. I was excited! Sadly, most of the stuff I found was the phoniest shit I've ever seen. "Squirting"=peeing. Ick. Yet there were a few things I found that gave me hope. One in particular was a blog that described a step-by-step process to doing it. The best part was that the blog was run by a woman. She also made it clear that although it's possible, it's not like you see in porno. She talked about the g-spot and how there is an area in particular with tiny vesicles that surround the woman's urethra which (when stimulated) produce a milky fluid similar to prostatic fluid found in males. It wouldn't spurt out in large quantities, but would be noticable. Anyway. Weeks and weeks go by after this research and one day I find a couple of movies through Bush DVD. Both claimed to be a how-to guide to making your partner ejactulate. Sadly, neither was. 
'Squirting 101' was a joke. Not only was it fake, but it was so fake it was laughable. Girl after girl gets on a glass table and masturbates to a mind-blowing squirty orgasm. The problem is that it looks like someone's attached a water hose somehow as most of the girls (and one especially before I turned it off) gushed so hard and fast that it was like it was coming out of a pressure washer. FUcking bullshit. The second was a Seymore Butts production called 'Seymore Butt's Guide to Female Ejaculation'. Yes. I know who he is and I know he has a reality showtime show (that I haven't seen). The only thing I DO know is that Seymore (Adam Glasser) looks like he's related to Patrick Dempsey. Here. See for yourself:  
Anyway, this one actually started off as an in-depth tutorial and the wife and I really thought we were going to see some a real demonstration. However this time instead of hoses hooked up, it was totally girls urinating. Again, ick. Still, it didn't stop Christina and I from trying the techniques we learned. So we kept the porno on while we disrobed and got comfortable on the couch. I got out my astroglide and lubed up my hand and went to town using my thumb to rub her clit while my two forefingers did a "come here" motion from the inside. We really started getting into it and Christina did have a few incredibly intense orgasms, but no squirting. (And then we fucked). We'll try it again sometime I'm sure... Thursday, October 28, 2004
Unveiling As you all can see, I've become a little haiku happy the last couple of days. Some of you are probably thinking "WHAT the FUCK?!? A month of no posts about ANYTHING and when he starts again it's fucking poetry? FUCK THAT!". I don't blame you. I do apologize for the hiatus. One day became two became three and so on. I took a trip for four days with the family. I designed a friend's website (which has now become something wonderfully monstrous). In short, just busy. Tons of stuff to blog about/share and no time to do so. I mean, if I have a free half hour, what do I do with it? Do I blog...or do I masturbate? Anyway. Although I think the haikus ultimately fit with the essence of the Frankenblog, it's now gotten to the point where I can't stop writing them. I finish one and then ideas for four more pop up. I am frantically writing them down as they come, counting syllables on my left hand as I write. After three days they started to take over the site in a threatening manner. It hit me that they needed a place of their own (thanks Steve). On October 25th, 2004 I began what I am now calling The Mary Anne Haikus. I plan on writing one haiku a day for the next 365 days. Each haiku will be about my insatiable lust for Mary Anne. The Mary Anne Haikus will be finished on October 24th, 2005. So here it is! Wednesday, October 27, 2004
A haiku for Mary Anne: Part 3 So slippery soft You milk my rigid manhood Now service my wife! Tuesday, October 26, 2004
A haiku for Mary Anne: Part 2 Yeah. That's good, baby. Suck it while I fondle you Spread. Receive my meat. Monday, October 25, 2004
A haiku for Mary Anne Mary Anne, my sweet Please remove all of your clothes And suck on my knob. |
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