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Monday, November 28, 2005
This Thanksgiving I’d like to give thanks to Sherri Meredith and John Kirkeby. Thanksgiving has now come and gone. Most of you are still trying to move after ingesting large amounts of turkey, stuffing, yams, and anything else you may have included in your feast. I myself went with my family to a Korean restaurant where turkey (I am happy to say) was not on the menu. We engaged in stimulating conversation (like which of my brother’s friends my sister had sex with). And then it was back to Mom’s for some pumpkin and/or pecan pie. But when the evening ended, I was left thinking about events from earlier that day. During our drive to visit my wife’s family, I took an accidental trip down memory lane. Our drive took me through Bowie, Maryland. In many ways my old stomping grounds. I remembered going to shows at Allen’s Pond. I saw The Pee Tanks and the Skunks play at a church off of Rt. 450. There was a kick-ass comic book store there. I’d tool around from friends with school at Bowie Mall. Shit. I even lost my virginity to a girl that lived in Bowie (but she’s another story). Anyway, for some reason or another I began thinking about someone I hadn’t thought about for a good 14 years. She lived on the outskirts of Bowie, was really cute, and we always had a killer time together. She and I were never anything more than friends, although I couldn’t tell you how she and I met. It simply was. For a time. Her name was Sherri. Mostly she and I just hung out and listened to music and talk about the mutual friends we had. Her best friend was a girl named April Steer, who was the sister of the guy who sang for The Pee Tanks, and who had the thickest head of blonde hair I have ever seen. It could have been April who brought us together as I dated April for a spell (something like two weeks). So I’d come over and she’d put on a Cure tape and we’d chat and think about things to do and she’d be all bubbly and talk about boys and I’d be giddy and talk about girls and things just went on like that. We chilled and laughed and didn’t take anything seriously. Well, I didn’t at least. Sherri on the other hand was smitten for a guy named John Kirkeby. John was totally all about cool. Imagine a guy that looks like John Lennon, but is into punk rock and you had John. He and I shared a mutual friend or two (where the FUCK are you, Adam Harrell?) so I knew what he was like and was totally hip to the match. And before long, she and John were kind of dating and Sherri was happy. So I was surprised at what happened between Sherri and I soon after she started dating him. I had come over to hang out as per usual and things were totally chill. We’re talking about music and stuff that’s going on in our lives when she shifts the subject of the conversation to John. Nothing unusual. But then things got a little “wtf”. (Bear with me as I re-enact that summer evening in Sherri’s basement. Since so much time has gone by, I have to paraphrase. I couldn’t remember exactly what was said if my life depended on it.) Sherri: Matt, I really like John. Me: Yeah? Sherri: Yeah. I mean I really really like him. (Wow. Maybe The OC isn’t so far off when they do dialog for high school teens after all.) Me: Cool. Sherri: So. Yeah. And I want to be able to show him how much I like him. Me: So tell him how much you like him. Sherri: No. I mean SHOW him how much I like him. Me: I’m not sure I understand. Sherri: Look. You’re a guy, right? Me: Right. Sherri: So what would you think if a girl you just started dating gave you… Me: Uh….what? Sherri: …a…um…hand job? Me: Oh. So you want to give John a…er…hand job? Sherri: Right. I mean, do you think that’s a bad thing? Like maybe I should wait? Me: Well, um. I don’t know. I mean it’s totally your call. I mean if it were me I’d totally be cool with that. Sherri: I see. Ok. And then I thought the matter was closed. She liked the guy and would ultimately make the right move and that would be that. But then… Sherri: Um… Me: What? Sherri: Um…I’ve never done that before. Me: What? Sherri: Given a guy a hand job. She could barely look at me. Me: So? Sherri: So I really don’t know what to do. I’m really nervous about it. Me: Well it’s nothing to be freaked out about. It’ll be fine. Sherri: I can’t help it. I really want to be able to do it right. I don’t want him to think I don’t know what I’m doing. And then I realized exactly what was happening and the more I tried to not think with little Matt, the more little Matt started taking over. My brain was quickly being sucked away by my teenage penis. But I fought it. I told myself nothing was going to happen here. Sherri and I were friends. She’d have to fumble with John’s penis on her own until she got it right, dammit! So I put my foot down… Me: Um…er…uh…you could practice on me if you want. (Woot! I mean: dammit!) And with that, she perked up and became elated and analytical. I unbuttoned my shorts and Sherri watched my every move. I’d be lying if I said that the whole situation wasn’t making me crazy hot. So there were were, just the three of us. Me, Sherri and my dick. I may have been playing the part of someone else, but at the time I didn’t care. Neither did my dick. And Sherri was treating the whole experience as if she had just discovered a new life form. I gave her a few pointers as she stroked away and things were over in a few short minutes. We cleaned up and the rest of the night went on like it normally did. We never spoke of it again. And John, that lucky fuck, he got a blow job. Fucker. Many moons later things happened and Sherri and I lost touch. Partially because of a tiff she and I had which ended with me peeling out of her parents driveway. Her folks didn’t like it and I believe told her they weren’t keen on her hanging out with me anymore. But my story does not end there. A few years later I’m hanging out with Adam Harrell and crew and John shows up. We’re drinking and smoking and having a grand old time. At one point, Sherri’s name is mentioned and John and I get to talking about her. One might think I’d simply keep my fucking mouth shut about certain happenings. But I had the drink in me. I had the smoke in me. I had diarrhea of the mouth. I couldn’t help myself. Again, I’ll paraphrase. Me: Hey dude. You know I used to hang with Sherri all the time, right? John: Yeah. Me: Well this one night after you and Sherri hooked up she was all freaked out about getting physical with you. John: Ok. So? Me: So she was all like “I don’t know how to give a hand job” and all. She was really nervous about making the right first impression. At this point I’m almost laughing, the booze flowing through me. John: And? Me: So…uh…she practiced on me. And then there was a ghastly silence. Not only had John heard this, but so did a few others that were nearby. We were waiting for John to say something. ANYthing. And I was preparing for a right hook. John then started laughing his ass off as he extended his hand for me to shake it. ”Share the wealth, man!” He said. And he said it to me every time he saw me after that day. See? I told you he was totally cool. Up next: Laurie Benner is caught giving me head in the girl’s bathroom by one of the school’s bus drivers. Or something else. Sunday, November 27, 2005
 From: "Bob Reed" <#########@hotmail.com>To: frankenblog@gmail.com Subject: towel girl Hey, you have one of the best blogs out there. One question though, where did you find the pics of "towel girl"? Are more going to be posted? Dear Bob, Thanks for the email and for the kind words. I wish I could tell you when it was that I first discovered Towel Girl. Ah, that magical folder full of her pictures! But you should cease asking such questions. You should just be happy that I came across her at all (I wish). Still, your second question is totally worth the effort you’ve put forth. I am indeed going to post more. Right now. All in one place for all time. Enjoy them. And make sure you have some tissues handy. Matt Thursday, November 17, 2005
"Even though you've been raised as a human being, you are not one of them."  "They can be a great people, Kal-El, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all--their capacity for good--I have sent them you. My only son." This guy will wax on about how much of a travesty it is that Bryan Singer cast a gay guy as Superman and how this movie could never be as good as Smallville (which sucks), but we all know he's wrong. And in his heart of hearts, he knows it, too. This teaser is a sign of great things to come. It tells me that Singer has done his homework. It also tells me that he has the utmost respect for director Richard Donner. After all, Donner made 1 1/2 of the two flicks that started it all in the late 70's. And those two flicks are arguably the two best superhero movies of all time--Superman: The Movie and Superman II. Rather than reinvent the wheel (something writer's and directors do all the time due to ego and idiocy), Singer took these two amazing movies and treated them as canon. As back story. They are the prequels to his continuation.John Williams' amazing themes are returning as is Marlon Brando. In my book he's the only one that could EVER play Jor-El past, present and future. And Williams' score is classic and just as recognizable as Star Wars (and better, IMHO). (Yes. We can all forget Superman III and Superman IV ever happened. Especially Superman IV. Who the fuck is Nuclear Man anyway? (Talk about GAY). What genius came up with that guy? And did they hold Hackman and his entire family at gunpoint to get him to act in that piece of shit?) |
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