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Christina and I
READING:
American Gods:
Author's Preferred Text
by Neil Gaiman
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Season Three
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Friday, August 18, 2006
Dickapalooza!
Whiskey & The Kidney Stones w/ The Pork Barrel Quartet
WHERE: Beat's Joint
WHEN: August, 19 2006 (THIS SATURDAY NIGHT!)
COST: $5
DIRECTIONS: Swanson Road, 3rd house on right, Upper Marlboro, MD, 20772
The annual party thrown by Dick Beaters of Whiskey and the Kidney Stones. Expect a beer truck, people (including single ladies), two bands, and maybe a moon bounce. Maybe. I will be there. Drinking and waving my privates at everyone.
To hear some Kidney Stones goodness clicky on this link.
Be there or be lame.
Posted by Matt @ 4:31 PM |
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
 Sometimes persistence, perseverance, and being fairly likeable does pay off in the form of a girl flashing you her boobies. Then again, one might say that I like to surround myself with people who are predisposed to do such things, but I think that remains to be seen (after all, my sister-in-law still won't show me hers). You could also argue I'm occasionally lucky.
So today I helped a friend with a menial task and in return his better half flashed me some skin. And I'll be damned if they weren't the nicest new set of boobies I've seen in a while. Aesthetically wonderful and perky. It would have been nice if she allowed a gratuitous squeeze, but I'm not going to complain. Would you? Didn't think so.
Up to #18 on the Rub-Out-O-Meter. At this rate I'll be done before the weekend. Anyone else want to flash me some boobies as a mental assist?
Posted by Matt @ 7:28 PM |
Monday, August 14, 2006
TMI
 The Specimen Cup loometh. Seriously. I'm determined to have this whole thing over and done with as soon as possible. Now that my balls have stopped swelling to the size of a cantalope, I think I can focus a bit and rub a few more off than normal to meet my quota. 10 to 20 ejacs and I should have seminal fluid devoid of any swimmers. After 11 days post-op, I have 14 under my belt (yes, really). Thing is, the doc was expecting me back in 5-6 weeks. Does this mean he thinks it's going to take me 5-6 weeks to actually reach the magic number 20? Methinks I need to call and ask him, but part of me is a little embarrassed. Then again, he wasn't at all taken aback when I asked him if there would be any difference in feeling with testicular sensation during foreplay. Anyway. After the magic number is reached I get to "whack it" into a cup, but that's not much of a turn on. Maybe if I drew some boobies on it...
Posted by Matt @ 12:02 AM |
Sunday, August 06, 2006
So it's been a few days since I did "that" and as one might expect I'm pretty uncomfortable and quite sore. But I do think this is a small price to pay. Especially since it directly effects the pasttime my wife and I hold at the top of our respected lists. Honestly, I still can't believe I did it. I'm sort of impressed with myself in a way. Oh, and my penis is operating within normal parameters. So that's good.
For those of you who remember (and pay attention), the simple fact that I went through with this allows me to collect on a deal I made with the wife several months ago. And although I don't think this will happen immediately, I promise I will keep you all informed.
Posted by Matt @ 1:45 AM |
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
(Shave shave shave shave shave shave shave.) Hey doc, do you have to shave the whole thing? Yes I do. Just relax. Just curious. Now I'm going to examine you like I did in my office. Ok. Ok. Now you're going to feel me giving you the injection, but please be very careful not to jump or make any sudden movements because you might jerk my hand away and the needle will come out. Ok. *Would you like to hold my hand?* (Poke.) Ugh. Ok, Matt. That part's over. *The worst part is over. Now we'll wait for you to get numb. You're doing just fine.* Ok. (Some blunt feeling. Tug tug. Puuuuuulll.) Um. Uh. Um. I'm feeling a little panicky here. I'm sweating. *Can I get you something? What do you need? Would you like a cold washcloth on your head?* Yes, please. (Washcloth on head. Sounds of metal instruments and sounds of something being cut with scissors. More tugging. Blunt pressure. The valium isn't working.) *Don't keep rubbing your eye. You'll end up hurting yourself.* But it's keeping my mind off this. I'm really not hurting myself. *Ok. Just be careful.* How am I doing doc? Well I had some trouble finding your vas defrans. They're not as long as I would have expected. But we're almost done with this side. *See? You're doing fine. They're almost half done.* Great. (More scissors. I smell something burning. The sound of metal scraping against metal. I break out into a cold sweat.) I think...uh...ugh...um...I'm starting to feel light-headed. I think I'm going to pass out. No you won't. You're doing just fine. *You're doing great. Almost halfway done.* No. I'm serious. I'm breaking out in a cold sweat. Do you have any salts? *Yes. Here.* (Sniff.) [Coughing.] Ok. Ok. Sorry guys. *You ok? Feel better?* Yeah. Better. Ok, Matt. This side's done. I'm going to go ahead and examine the other side. There. I actually have the vas defrans in my hand so we won't have the same problem we had on the other side. Again, you're going to feel the injection. Just relax. Ugh. Ugh. I feel it expanding. Ow. (Sounds of metal tool hitting each other. The tugging sensation again. All of a sudden, I feel something not so pleasant.) Ow! Sorry about that. We won't do that again. Ok. Ugh. That hurt. Just relax. It's ok. I realize numbing something locally isn't an exact science. (The bloodpressure cuff puffs up automatically just as something else unpleasant hits. REALLY unpleasant.) Ow! Fuck! Sorry. Ugh. Sorry for the language. What was that? We had to stop you from bleeding. It just wasn't numb enough. Ok. We're just about done here. Awesome. *Are you ok?* I'm fine, thanks. I'm glad we're finished. Ok. Now we're going to clean you off and put a couple of band-aids on you and take you to the recovery room. Excellent. Thanks, doc. (The doc, his assitant and the nurse start cleaning up and getting me ready to move.) So...did I have a "nice" vas defrans? Yes, Matt. It was a very nice vas defrans. Would you like to see it? No, thanks.
Posted by Matt @ 6:16 PM |
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