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Friday, September 15, 2006
The Shortest Interview Ever One thing I've never done (and still intend never to do) is talk about work-related things on this website. I don't bitch about my job to everyone. I don't openly talk shit about co-workers, my boss, clients/customers, or vendors. To me, using your blogsite in this way is incredibly tacky. If you have an issue with your boss or co-worker, confront them and talk about the problem! Don't be a fucking coward. This is not to say that I don't vent about work. I do. But I vent TO someone, face-to-face (usually my wife). This act actually challenges me to look at what it is that I'm upset about or have a problem with. In most cases, it helps. I do not, however, feel it tacky or cowardly to talk about interviews I've had for which there was never a job offer. In cases like these I was never an actual employee and think it's safe to express disdain or confusion especially if the interview was strange or went badly. Or just plain noteworthy.  This post is about an interview that was all three. But in a funny, "what the fuck?" sort of way. Today I interviewed with a company called GEOPAT Enterprises. Go ahead. Give the website a visit. It's really slick. It also plays these really calming new-agey tones when you click things as if to say "we're a super awesome and friendly company. Come work for us." Problem is, from the website it's a little vague what they actually DO as a company.So when I went in for my interview today with the "President" of the company, I asked. Three times. As directly as I could. Instead of answering he fixated on the fact that I did not fill out my social security number on my application. Right after this I was told he "wasn't going to waste his time with me" and--in what was a first for me--I was thrown out of his office. My interview was over in less than three minutes. I was smiling. But I still had more I wanted to say to Kyle Ball, President of GEOPAT Enterprises. So I thought I'd email him a small thank you and offer some helpful interviewing techniques. Here, in it's totality, is the email. Let's see if he writes me back. Dear Kyle, Since you were in such a rush to end our “preliminary interview” and get me out of there I didn’t really have the chance to thank you for what I’m certain is the shortest interview I’ve ever had. But if I may, I do have a little advice I’d like to share with you in the hopes that you may take it to heart and actually use some of it. Seriously. It might help you in the long run. 1) It's not polite to demand an answer from someone when they haven't been told what it is they'd doing after giving that affirmative response. Normally, one might actually open the interview with the potential hire by telling them a little bit about the company they've come to learn more about. You did invite me. Or at least someone there did. Be a good host and show me around. 2) It's not polite (or professional for that matter) to take on a rather confrontational, condescending and unpleasant tone when making that demand for an answer--especially 30 seconds into the interviewing process. 3) Referring people to your website is a great way to get people interested and to pass on information about the company in a quick, convenient way. But it does actually help to have content on the website. Eight total paragraphs (nine including your "expansion and growth is the key to our success" mission statement) with vague jargon about Event Marketing doesn't tell me much. What is it that GEOPAT Enterprises actually does? Obfuscation is a practice usually only implemented by certain branches of the Federal Government that deal with top secret information. I'm not a UFO chaser and you sure as hell aren't Area 51. [I say with a cute, raised eyebrow:] Or ARE you? Hmmmm. You may also want to consider changing the pictures you have posted. I could be wrong, but I don't think those people in the photographs actually work for you. (Please note that on the resume you reluctantly gave back to me you have written: "No information from website. Kinda odd." "Kinda" is not a word.) 4) When a potential hire asks you directly or indirectly what GEOPAT Enterprises is about, tell the potential hire what GEOPAT Enterprises is actually about (not after the second or third time asked). It might also be a good thing to tell them after they ask the first time. Or just open the interview by telling your potential hires about the company (see #1). 5) After being asked what GEOPAT Enterprises is about, don't refer them to the website (see #3). 6) Don't ask me for personal information (like my Social Security Number) until you've told me what I'm being hired to do and you're prepared to make me an offer. And don't threaten me with keeping my application (an application?--please) and saying it's subject to "criminal review". Feel free to do a background check if you must (or if you're bored and looking for something to do). You'll find nothing out of order. 7) Wear a sensible suit that actually fits and flatters you. Your jacket alone looked to be a few sizes to big and too long. A successful businessman like yourself should dress appropriately. I suggest a visit to Nordstrom (or Kenneth Cole if you're feeling a little more "hip"). I'm sure there's more, but this email is already too long. You can find other helpful hints at the Baltimore Better Business Bureau's website (they actually have a LOT to say). That web address is: http://www.baltimore.bbb.org/ Still, I must apologize. I know you felt our interview was a waste of your time (you said as much verbatim), but I hope it makes you feel better to know that I took something away from it. That GEOPAT Enterprises is essentially a nothing company that is unable to say much of anything about itself. And if the "President's" general demeanor and attitude is any indication, I doubt GEOPAT Enterprises will be around long enough to celebrate it's 3rd anniversary. Congratulations on your two years of running a most excellent business. In all sincerity, Matt Frankenberg PS: I would advise you to please shred or otherwise destroy the application I filled out. There's really no reason for you to hold onto it. Unless of course you hoard paper products (a form of OCD). However, if you insist on keeping it I would warn you not to use ANY of my personal information unprofessionally or unethically. I mean, come on. Did that website say anything at all? |
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