Forgive me, but I felt the need to seriously toot my own horn.

Tonight I reluctantly accompanied my wife to something called a “jewelry party”. Think Tupperware Party but with necklaces and rings and bracelets and shit. Anyway, I went because my beloved wanted me to. Plain and simple. I thought I’d be bored as fuck but at least I’d be there with her and the kids. I also wanted to check out the new LED TV the host of the party had purchased. All in all I actually had a good time. But it was what I did at the end of the party that made my night and made me even more awesome than I already am.

The host of the party was a very nice lady my wife works with and she invited friends and coworkers. And those invited could bring friends so it came as no surprise that “N” was there. Roommate of “S”. 5′-5″. Brunette. Made of breasts. Attractive. Spacey. Christian. I first met her one night at Fogo De Chao (fuck that place) in Baltimore where I learned she really loved women but that God didn’t approve of such things. (Right. I think I’ve just said all I need to).

So tonight I walk in and “N” is sitting on a couch and bombarding the poor girl presenting her jewelry with question after question after fucking question. My brain was screaming for mercy after about 36 seconds of this so I retreated downstairs to watch Cartoon Network with my kids. I didn’t return upstairs until my wife came to fetch me. When I came upstairs “N” was still sitting in the same spot on the couch. I plopped down next to her and asked if she had stopped her prattling. She didn’t understand my question and instead asked where I had disappeared to. I ignored her. I then noticed her iPhone sitting on the couch between us.

“You’re phone?”, I asked.

“Uh, huh.” she responded.

“Cool. I’m going to be nosy now.” I said, and with that started rooting through her apps. She didn’t seem to mind. Heck, she even asked me to open her calculator app so that I could help tally her jewelry order. She had Facebook. She had a Suicide Girls “Strip Flip”.

And then I hit “Photos”.

Photos of her kid. Photos of her and her friends having fun. Photos of her topless. Photos of her kid in a firetruck. Photos of…um…what? I froze. I turned to look at her. She was hard at work looking at the jewelry catalogue. I looked back at the photo. My heart was racing. What the fuck do I do?!?

I calmly look down at my phone. Ringer off? Check. I look back to the photo. I look back at her. Still engrossed in jewelry catalogue? Check. I push the MMS button. I quickly enter my phone number. I press “send”. I quickly close her photos. I go into her texts and I delete the entry that says she sent something to my phone. I turn her phone off. I put it back down next to her. I thank her for letting me be nosy.

I leave the party fifteen minutes later. Mission accomplished.